Annie and the Mary Sues
by William Mascewicz
Summary: Annie Renault is recruited by a goddess to save the World of Stories from a malevolent threat...
1. Parthenian Prelude

Chapter 1: Parthenian Prelude

Annie stepped out of the bathroom, the sound of the toilet flushing interrupted as she slammed the door shut. It was 1:30 am, and Annie was in Hell. Although many might have disagreed, this had nothing to do with her being in Kansas City, but was in fact a combination of an upcoming physics test, an upset stomach and four hours of sleep followed by school, soccer practice, and something that a kind-hearted and/or diplomatic person might have referred to as "dinner". 

This wasn't a good day for Annie.

Her eyes bloodshot and her hair a tangled mess, Annie walked to her room in a manner not usually seen outside a Romero film. _Just another fifteen minutes,_ Annie thought, _and I can go to bed. Another... fifteen... _ But as she turned the door handle and pushed the door open, all thoughts of physics vanished from her head (to be fair, they vacated it around midnight, but Annie was not yet aware of this).

A tall woman was sitting at the foot end of her bed, an owl perched on her shoulder. Wearing a white dress which put Annie in mind of ancient Greece, the woman had a regal bearing and a rather imperious smile on her face. Her hands clapping together in a gesture of delight, she rose and approached Annie, who cowered a bit.

"Ah! You've finally arrived. I was beginning to think you were going to stay in the bathroom all night. Really, Annie, there's a difference between re-heated and re-animated food."

Annie racked her brain to think of a response to the complete stranger who was talking about gastronomy in her room in the middle of the night.

"Guh. I mean... Whu?"

"I assume you mean to ask me what a complete stranger is doing in your room in the middle of the night." The strange woman grinned.

"Actually," lied Annie, "I was thinking about going down to my father's gun cabinet and break out the shotgun. Then I was thinking about blowing some holes in that dress," she continued, no longer lying.

"Ah. I can see this will take some convincing." The owl suddenly took flight as the woman stretched out her arms. Suddenly everything in the room dimmed, except Annie, the woman and the bird. Annie looked around apprehensively. When the woman spoke it was with a voice not quite human.

"I am Pallas Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom."

The room returned to normal. The woman lowered the hands and looked at Annie expectantly.

"Yeah. Cool. Look, I'm just going downstairs for a couple of seconds. I'll be back real soon, promise, bye."

But as Annie turned towards the door she found that damn owl hovering in front of it. Behind her the woman sighed deeply.

"Look, Annie," she said, "I'm not going to let you out until you listen to me, and you're not going to listen to me as long as you think I'm insane."

_No shit, lunatic._ "Fine. How will you convince me you're a Greek goddess?"

"Your full name is Anne Deborah Renault. You were conceived by your parents April 3rd 1986 at a public restroom in Disneyworld. When you were ten, you had a crush on Pete Michaels after he peed on the principal's brand new Volvo. Your first sexual encounter was with a German foreign exchange student, and if I may quote your thoughts: _my God, I've had better sex with my right hand, is he eve-" _The woman was abruptly cut off as Annie's fist landed on her chin. She fell to the floor with a yelp.

"My right hand is good for lots of things," Annie sneered. She stretched out her hand to help the woman to her feet. "I believe you're Athena. Don't ask me why, but I do. That doesn't mean I won't shoot you, though, so get talking."

Athena rubbed her cheek, glowering at Annie. "You didn't have to hit me. I _am _a goddess, you know."

Annie gave a not-too-apologetical shrug. "So if you're a goddess, that means, what? Jesus and the angels and stuff are real too?"

"No, there are just us." Athena looked rather annoyed. "You'd think that a people that basically invented science, medicine, philosophy and democracy might have some clout when it comes to religion, but no! Some guy in a desert gets a vision and it's off to the history books!" She gave her head a shake. "But never mind that. I'm here to give you a mission."

"This better not be about murdering prostitute-"

"No. No no no. Nothing like that. See, I am the goddess of wisdom, which pretty much makes me one of the gods of the human imagination. I am in charge of the children of imagination, the stories. All the stories, from the greatest epic poem to the smallest porn novella."

Athena looked rather proud as she relayed all this. Annie stared at her. _I wonder if that includes the official version of my night with Dietrich Tollkirsche..._

"It does," said Athena as Annie contemplated going for the shotgun, "and you won't get out of this room until I say so, so don't even think- _Hey!_ That wasn't a nice thing to think, now was it? Yes, every story exists in a fundamentally _real _way. They are out there, every one, in the minds of men, to be visited by anyone who can get there. When you read a book, you don't just piece together the words to understand the plot, you visit the world of the story that the author has devised. Do you understand?"

Annie shook her head.

"Oh, fine. You really don't need to. You'll see for yourself when you visit them. And that brings me to the reason I'm here." Athena sat down on the bed, hands folded in her lap. "The stories are under attack."

"Under attack? How is that even possible?"

Athena looked grimly at Annie. "We don't know for sure. We do know that... they... started arriving not too long ago. They are like parasites, or perhaps viruses. They affect the stories they land in, weaken them, feed off them, until what's left bears no resemblance to the author's intentions. Left to their own devices they will tear down the boundaries between stories and cast the realm of imagination into utter disrepair."

Despite herself, Annie was fascinated. "Who are these creatures?"

"We call them... Mary Sues!"

Annie blinked. Athena blinked. They blinked simultaneously.

"It's... not a very threatening name, is it?"

"That's one of the many things that make them dangerous. Now listen to me, you really need to know this."

Suddenly, several cold shivers raced up and down Annie's spine. She sat down on the floor, looking up at the Great Goddess sitting next to her stuffed Piglet.

"A Mary Sue is most often a girl or a woman. You might encounter a male Mary Sue, but they will be no match compared to the females. There are visual indications to look for. Waist length hair, highlights, impossible colors are quite usual. The eyes of a Mary Sue often change in color as well. Nearly all of them are pretty. But these signs are not universal. Do not dwell on them, or you might be taken unawares by a brown eyed Sue with short black hair. Yes, a question?"

"What do they do? I mean, how do they weaken the stories?"

"Yes, I was getting to that. You must understand this, because this is how you will _know _if a woman is a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue can be anything she wants to be. If she wants to be prettier than the other characters, she will be. If she wants to be smarter, or nicer, she will be. But most often the desires of the Sue don't change the Sue herself. If a Sue becomes smarter it is usually because the other characters get dumber. If she's nicer, other characters become assholes and bitches. A Mary Sue will warp the other characters with her mere presence, typically making them act unlike themselves. Two old enemies suddenly become friends, a villain suddenly and uncharacteristically becomes a good guy. In time, you will recognize the effects of a Sue the moment you enter a story."

Annie felt slightly dizzy. "But... what am I supposed to do with them when I find them."

Athena rose, the owl once more perched on her shoulder.

"Kill them. Kill them all."


	2. Horror at Hogwarts

Chapter 2: Horror at Hogwarts

Annie's initial relief at not having landed flat on her ass was soon gone once she realized she was knee-deep in water. She waded towards the lakeshore, while inventing new and exciting profanities about a certain goddess. As she stood on the shore trying to wrench the water out of her strange dress-like garment, she took a glance at the huge castle in front of her and immediately realized where she was. 

_Wow! She wasn't kidding, was she? Right in the damn story. The castle looks just like in the movie._

Except it didn't. Annie soon picked out subtle differences, stuff that, if her two-year-old memories of the books were correct, more closely matched the mind of the author than that of the movie director. She stood still for a couple of minutes, orienting herself, and just savouring the experience. She didn't notice the three students until they were passing right by her. Two boys and a girl, they too were wearing robes. Annie noticed the red in their school uniforms, and checked her own.

_Yellow? Hufflepuff!? I'm so going to kill Athena!_

But Annie's fond daydreams of premeditated murder were quickly interrupted when she saw who the students were. One was a tall boy with red hair, the other a girl with rather bushy hair, while the third wore glasses, had black hair and looked so like the guy on the book-covers it was spooky. Annie was so busy sizing them up, she didn't notice them staring back.

"What are you looking at?" the redhead asked.

"Er…" Annie began, "at Harry. Harry Potter. Yeah. Because he defeated Lord You-Know-Who." _Oh yeah, really smooth there, Annie. You'll blend right in, no problem._

The redhead rolled his eyes. "More than three years and they still haven't gotten over you."

"That's not nice, Ron," the girl said. She sounded like a lecture waiting to happen. "I haven't seen her before, so she could be new. Are you new?"

Faced with a not-too-difficult question, Annie grinned. "Yeah. I transferred today. So I'm new and haven't seen Harry before. Tell me, what year are you in?"

Harry spoke up for the first time. "Fourth." _A-ha! Goblet of Fire. I know this, there's the tournament and that Mad-Eye guy and in the end… Annie was interrupted in her musings by the three turning and going. _

"W-Wait," she called out, almost tripping over her robes as she ran after Harry and the others. "Harry, Ron, Hermione, right?" Ron and Hermione looked a bit stunned at being named, but Annie went on anyway. "Look, I need your help. I have an assignment from Dumbledore and it's really important. It's about… a dark witch at this school." She certainly had their attention then.

"A Death Eater," Hermione whispered. "Here? Oh, Harry. What are we going to do?" Annie saw no reason to correct her. "Who is it? It can't be one of the teachers, can it?"

"I don't know who it is. Listen, Dumbledore said it was alright for me to tell you. I'm a dark witch hunter."

"You're an Auror?" Harry breathed. _Oh yeah, that's what they're called!_

"I most certainly am! I have been sent undercover to find the Death Eater and destr… bring her to justice. But I'll need your help. You need to tell me if you've noticed anything unusual lately. Someone who has been acting suspiciously." Annie gave herself several mental pats on the back.

"Snape," said Ron immediately. "Snape's acting really suspiciously."

Annie sighed. "Look, I know how you feel about Snape, and how you always suspect him. Yes, I know he's mean…"

"But that's it!" Ron interrupted. "He's been so… nice!" A series of warning bells went off in Annie's head. "You remember how he was before."

"Yeah but, that's a good thing, right?" Harry asked. "He's not giving me a hard time, he told me he's forgiven my father and he went fishing with Neville yesterday."

_Oh, I'm on to you, Mary Sue. _"And when did this most interesting change happen?" But they had stopped listening to her. Instead they had turned to face a blond boy who had just arrived. Annie recognized the boy immediately, which is why what happened next hurt her mind like nails across a blackboard.

Harry and Ron were grinning widely, hands raised in greeting. Draco was smiling too as he walked towards them with what Annie, despite the protests of every cell in her body, had to describe as a spring in his step. _Dear God, make it stop, make it stop! _But it didn't. Harry and Draco embraced. They actually embraced. Tearing her eyes off such an offence to God and Rowling, Annie noticed Hermione standing with her back turned and her nose in the air. She moved closer.

"Look, Hermione, I know you're really smart. You have to notice how…" But Hermione wasn't listening to her. She was muttering to herself continuously.

"…oh, just because he has little Miss Perfect as his girlfriend, the bitch! Has to come here and be better than me in all subjects. 'Why can't you master that spell, Hermione? Why can't you produce a Patronus, Hermione? Why aren't you at the Quidditch team, Hermione?' I hope she dies, she deserves to die, the bitch, Draco's little darling, I'll show you…"

Annie was taken aback at what she'd heard. _I may not have perfect memory of the books, but I'm pretty sure Emma Watson never used language like that in the movies. "Hermione. Hermione."_

Hermione ceased her muttering and glared at Annie. "Hermione, Draco's girlfriend, what's her name?"

Hermione sniffed and practically spat out the name: "Britney Riddle!" _Bingo!_

Annie smiled, leaned over Hermione's shoulder and whispered into her ear: "It's her!"

Hermione's expression of pure joy might have been disturbing if Annie didn't know she wore the exact same one.


	3. To Kill a Mary Sue

Chapter 3: To Kill a Mary Sue

Dinner at Hogwarts was all the books had cracked it up to be. Memories of the zombie enchilada in mind, Annie filled her plate with healthy helpings of everything. There was definitely something exhilarating about being in this familiar place she'd read about so many times. To see, hear, smell (_and taste, can't forget that, _Annie thought, mouth full of bacon.) this world that had only existed on paper and celluloid, it was amazing. She didn't know where the Mary Sues came from but she could almost understand why they would come here.

Catching a glimpse of the Gryffindor table through the Fat Friar, Annie saw Hermione waving and pointing, anger turning what was probably meant to be subtle motions into stabbings. With a small turning of her head, Annie stared at her very first Mary Sue. The gagging motions weren't entirely due to the bacon going down the wrong way.

Britney Riddle had copper red hair falling down her back, all the way to her waist. The impossible color was highlighted by streaks of shocking pink. Britney's eyes were icy blue, her face abnormally pretty. _She has curves in all the right places, _thought Annie before realizing just what she was thinking and hating herself for it. _Curves in all the right places? That doesn't even make sense! Especially for a fourteen-year-old._ Annie noted that Britney was in Gryffindor, which made the whole "dating Draco" deal even more implausible. 

As interesting (_As a car crash or the Jerry Springer show is interesting,_ Annie thought madly to herself) as the Mary Sue herself were the reactions of the others. Draco rose from the Slytherin table and _skipped_ over to the Gryffindor table to meet Britney. Everyone in Gryffindor (with the notable exception of Hermione) had their eyes on Britney, either staring stupidly or smiling at her. Among the teachers Annie saw Snape with his arm around the shoulders of professor Lupin (_Is he even in this book?_), beaming and what looked horribly like humming. It was like the entire scenery had been painted with a layer of saccharine. Annie felt the bacon trying to escape her system, no matter what direction.

As Britney surveyed her legions of adoring fans, her eyes finally came to rest on Annie. With a smile that would have killed a diabetic, Britney made her way to the Hufflepuff table. _My God! I'm fresh blood, aren't I? A Sue-virgin. _Britney was even prettier up close, her face heart-shaped, her lips ruby-red, her eyes grey as a winter morning. Annie's brain broke the surface of the poetry-puddle long enough to register the new color of Britney's eyes.

"Hi, we haven't met before, have we?"

Annie felt a daring recklessness come over her. "I don't think so, Mary. I think I would have remembered you."

Britney frowned. "My name is Britney Magenta Riddle, not Mary."

"Riddle? I knew a Riddle once. He turned out rather badly, didn't he? Relation of yours?"

Britney stared at the table in what was apparently supposed to be a tragic gesture. When she raised her head a single tear fell down her cheek in perfect choreography. "He was my father." _Big fat surprise! "My mother lived in America when he came to New York. She was the only woman he ever loved, and when she died giving birth to me all the good left in him died. He became a monster and he tried to kill me, but the Avada Kedavra failed…"_

"Oh, come off it!" Britney halted her tale, while several students stared at Annie. "Really, You-Know-Who had been trying to take over the wizarding world for eleven years, murdering anyone standing in his way, but he had time for a quickie with his twue wuv in America before popping back to England to do to Harry what I couldn't help notice was exactly what he did to you. Can't you even be bothered to come up with anything original?" 

Britney's eyes swam in tears. She ran from the table, out of the hall, sobbing loudly. _Damn, if they're all such push-overs, this will be a walk in the park…_

But Annie was soon shaken out of her illusions. Almost everyone in the hall stared at her like she was Satan incarnated. Annie suddenly understood why Mary Sues were so dangerous. Snape looked absolutely furious with her. _Well, that's something, at least… I've got to end this quickly. _

Annie ran out of the hall, up a flight of stairs and into a corridor. She turned a corner and halted abruptly. Britney, dry-eyed and stone-faced stood with wand ready. "You're one of daddy's lackeys, aren't you? You're here to kill me, because I'm the only threat to his power…"

"Please," Annie snorted. "This has nothing to do with him. If it had I'd be too embarrassed to even try to kill you. You're just a second-rate Harry Potter after all." Annie reached inside her robes and pulled out her gun. She pointed it at the shocked Britney.

"I'm too smart and beautiful," Britney shrieked, wand waving madly. "You can't kill me! You can't!"

Annie emptied the clip into Britney Riddle, who fell to the ground. She contemplated saying something witty, but couldn't think of anything. Poking at the still form of Britney with her toe, Annie noticed how the Sue started to look blurred around the edges. Annie turned to face Hermione, who was looking at Britney's body with a somewhat confused look of satisfaction on her face.

"She's dead?" Hermione breathed.

"She's… gone," corrected Annie. The entire body was now blurry. Annie turned to Hermione and looked her in the eyes. "Tell me, Hermione, what if I told you Snape went fishing with Neville?"

Hermione's eyes widened. "He used poor Neville as bait?"

Annie sighed, relieved. "It seems the effects of Britney are wearing off. Your memories are returning to normal. 'So Sue me!' Damn, I should have said that. Oh well, another time." Britney's body was completely gone. Hermione stared at Annie as if she'd never seen her before. Annie shrugged, and walked away.

"Wait," cried Hermione. "What's your name?"

Annie looked over her shoulder, smiling. "Annie. Annie Renault."


	4. A Love that Transcends Taste

Chapter 4: A Love that Transcends Taste

Once she got used to the sinking feeling in her stomach, the nausea and disorientation generally followed by a flat surface rushing up to meet her, jumping from World to World _still sucked. Although out of the six Worlds she had jumped to so far, this was the best. Landing in a small shrubbery was infinitely preferable to a lake, a highway or a dumpster. That last one stood out not only in memory but in smell._

After gunning down Britney Riddle, Annie had taken some tours of her favourite TV shows. A beautiful and intelligent nurse who had every man in a certain emergency room in Chicago chasing her tail found herself discreetly garrotted in a broom closet between her two 20-hour shifts. In Las Vegas, several Crime Scene Investigators slowly lost all memories of their brilliant colleague who had single-handedly solved ten murder cases in a week while going on no less than three dates with Warrick (alas, the eleventh murder of the week was to remain unsolved due to the lack of a body as well as the cement block that crushed her). And in a small California town, an extraordinarily beautiful Vampire Slayer who had been turned into a vampire in the early 90s and subsequently gotten herself a soul was rudely interrupted from her passionate yet angsty affair with a local vampire by a sudden noon-time defenestration by a strange woman (who, had they actually remembered it, bystanders would have claimed shouted after the ex-Slayer blowing in the wind: "You do _not _mess around with Spike while I'm still breathing, bitch!")

All in all, Annie had had a fairly productive time.

Now, however, she had taken a random leap through the fabric of the Stories into a place she did not recognize. The oddly flat look of the landscape was given its explanation when Annie looked down on her arms. _Holy Hell, I'm animated, aren't I? _

Being animated was a rather disturbing prospect, although it certainly would bode well for her creativity, Annie thought, fond memories of old Tom & Jerry cartoons filling her brain. Little could be done at the moment, though, as she stood in the middle of a forest with not a soul in sight. Bracing herself for a long walk, Annie caught her reflection in a small puddle by her feet.

_Damn, those are some big eyes. I must be in one of those Japanese cartoons my cousin likes so much. But which one? Oh, dear Lord in Heaven! Don't let it be…_

"Hello there."

Annie swirled around, and breathed a sigh of relief. _Not Pokemon. Her relief was soon replaced by confusion. These people hadn't been there a moment ago. __And they look really, really weird._

The one closest to her was wearing red clothes, and had long, silver hair. Oh, and there were a couple of dog-ears sticking out through it. The other guy looked more normal, wearing robes and a staff. The woman next to him would have been inconspicuous had she not been wearing a giant boomerang on her back (_Now there's something for my arsenal!_) and the small, uncomfortably Pikachu-like yellow creature by her feet. Annie glossed over the little kid with strange shoes to stare at the girl furthest back. Not only was she wearing a bow and arrows, but she was dressed in a skirt and sailor blouse.

The girl with the bow spoke again. "Pardon us, but we were wondering if you could help us."

The guy in red looked like he was pissed off on general principle. "Tell us if you have seen any demons around here." He cracked his fingers threateningly.

_Damn. How the hell am I suppose to know if someone violates the story if I don't know the story? _Annie decided to make a move. As it turned out, it was her favourite move.

The girl with the bow gasped loudly at the gun pointed at them, the others merely eyed it curiously. "Are you from my time too?" the girl breathed. _Okay, that's demons, dog-ears, giant boomerangs, small yellow cats with two tails and time-travel. When I get back I'm having a long talk with my cousin. These cartoons are clearly not meant to be watched while sober._

"Perhaps you could enlighten me first. What are your names and what is your quest?" The part of her that wanted to ask a third question concerning the capitol of Assyria was mentally bitch-slapped into submission.

The guy in red actually smiled. "If it's a fight you want, you'll get it." He drew the sword from the scabbard at his hip. The sword immediately transformed into a giant blade as long as the man himself. _My, how… Freudian. _

Annie's gaze flickered from character to character. "Ah, hell. I'm officially stumped." She lowered the gun and sat down on the ground. The swordsman looked surprised and slightly disappointed. The girl with the bow, however, smiled and walked up to Annie.

"Did you come by the well too? Do you have Shikon shards? What year is it where you're from? And where did you get that gun?"

"No, no, 2003, don't ask. Tell you what, if you answer my question I'll answer yours." _Some of them, anyway._

"Ha!" The guy in red bristled. "You'll talk first, or I'll just cut you in half, or I'll use my claws…"

The girl with the bow sighed. "Inuyasha, sit!" A necklace around the swordsman's neck started to glow, and pulled the man violently into the ground. Pained groans could be heard from the small cloud of dust that rose up around him. Annie watched with interest. "That's a brilliant necklace. You don't have a spare, do you?"

The girl laughed. "I'm sorry, no. I'm Kagome Higurashi. What's your name?"

"Annie Renault."

"Well, Annie, I'm really sorry about Inuyasha, he can be such a jerk…"

Inuyasha had managed to lift himself over the edge of the little pit his fall had created. "A jerk? You were the one who made me 'sit'!"

"Well, if you didn't go around threatening everyone we met, I wouldn't have to!"

"Me? She had that strange metal thing pointing at us!"

"Honestly, Inuyasha, she _had lowered it."_

"Don't mind them, they do this all the time." The man in the robes had moved to her side. "I'll tell you everything you want to know." Annie was about to thank him when she felt a hand on her ass. _The bastard! I'll shoot him dead and tell Athena I thought he was a Mary Sue, no jury in any World… But she was spared from intervening by the giant boomerang that had landed on the man's head, knocking him off his feet. The owner of the boomerang looked innocently on the fallen man._

"Sorry, it slipped."

Annie noticed the kid was looking into the barrel of the gun. "What does it do?" he asked. Annie, more than happy to squeeze a trigger, fired a shot into the air. Kagome and Inuyasha stopped bickering, and the other man stared at her. Annie smiled at them. "Introductions. Backstory. Now!" Her stomach growled, and she added, a bit sheepishly: "And some food would be nice too."

Two hours later Annie had a stomach full of fried fish and a head full of a bizarre story about reincarnated priestesses, a shattered magic glass ball, demons and half-bloods, and to top it all off, a super-demon named Naraku, responsible for several atrocities.

"So Naraku made Inuyasha and this priestess Kikyou kill each other, except Inuyasha didn't die and Kikyou has been revived from a part of the soul of Kagome, who is Kikyou reborn," (she stopped to catch her breath) "opened an air void in the hand of Miroku," she nodded at the robed priest, still sporting a bump on his head, "that will eventually kill him, led a swarm of demons to the village of Sango," another nod for the girl with the boomerang, "where they killed everyone, revived and controlled her brother with a Shikon shard that can't be removed without killing him again, and is out to reassemble this Shikon ball so he can wreak even more havoc. What does he do for an encore, strangle kittens?" The yellow cat, Kirara, growled a bit in Sango's lap.

Kagome put her chin on her knees. "We have to stop him. He vanished a while ago and we've been tracking him to the northeast. Have you seen anything unusual in the forest?"

_Actually, yes. Damn, how the hell am I supposed to find a Mary Sue in this group of freaks? They all come with an angsty past except Kagome, and if she's a Mary Sue she would have Inuyasha groomed, housebroken and in bed by now. The kid, Shippou, is useless, the priest is a pervert, and Sango is incapable of changing him. No, I have to widen my search._

"Actually I'm hunting someone who might well be in league with Naraku. Tell me, does Naraku have a… loved one?"

Sango snorted. "Hardly. A monster like that can't love. He has two servants, though. Kagura controls the winds."

"She wants to be free of his control," Kagome added. "I can feel it."

_Interesting. A tragic villain in involuntary service. Sign number eight.  _"And the other one?"__

"Kanna. She looks just like a kid, but she's really dangerous." Inuyasha cast a dirty look at Annie. "Why do you want to talk about Naraku's girlfriends? What are you after, anyway?"

"A demon. She's female, but can take any shape, including male ones." _That's true enough. _"Once she finds her prey, she warps his or her mind to attach herself to them. After she has bewitched everyone around her prey, she… devours him!" _Actually she's more likely to have sex with him, but since it's a Sue it's functionally equivalent. "She may well be someone you know. Are there more than you hunting Naraku?"_

Shippou looked thoughtful. "There's Kouga. He's a wolf demon in love with Kagome," (Inuyasha snorted loudly) "and wants to give her Naraku's head as a present." _People really were more romantic in the olden days. "But he has a fiancée, Ayame. She's also a wolf demon. Oh, and Kikyou. She was brought back from the dead, and can't function without the souls of the dead." _Probably not her, if Kagome's her reincarnation. The whole story seems to hinge upon the relationship between Kagome, Kikyou and Inuyasha anyway. _"And Inuyasha's brother Sesshoumaru. He's a full demon and wanders around with his servant Jaken, his wife Kyareena and a little girl." ___

_Well, isn't that lovely. Now I know the whole story, know most of the characters, and I still don't have an idea who the Sue is. This calls for some divine intervention, and I don't mean a Kung Fu kickin' Catholic priest! _

Annie reached inside her kimono (_I was wearing a kimono?) and found the device she was looking for. A silvery orb with a red button on top of it. She pressed the button and the scene shifted._

Everyone suddenly stood on a field stretching as far as the eye could see in every direction. An overcast sky allowed only a little bit of light to sift through. And in a wide circle around Annie stood all the important characters of this World. Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, Miroku and Shippou stared wide-eyed at the newcomers. There was a woman who was the spitting image of Kagome, but wearing medieval clothes. Annie decided it was Kikyou. Next to her stood a tall demon with the same hair as Inuyasha. He wore a bizarre costume that included a bit of armor and what looked like a white feather boa. Clutching his arm was a green-haired beauty wearing a rather revealing dress. A girl and what looked like an earless Yoda stood next to them. _Sesshoumaru and his brood. She picked out Kouga, his buddies and Ayame. Beyond them were Naraku, standing tall and menacing, and his lackeys, Kagura and Kanna. The roster was completed by an old woman with an eye-patch, a clothed racoon and what looked like Sango's brother. _I bet I can put the last three off my list.__

"Gentlemen," she called out, "ladies, demons of both sexes and Jedi masters. I have summoned you here to find and kill a monster in your midst. Once I've done so, you're free to go about your, if I may say so, downright weird business. Now, come out, Mary Sue! Let's not drag this out!"

Naraku's lip curled. "And who are you, little girl, to order one such as I?" At his side, Kagura raised her fan threateningly (_only in a Japanese cartoon can a fan be raised threateningly, Annie thought amusedly)._

"Hey, just doing my job here." Annie pulled out her gun once more, and pointed it at everyone in turn. _Oh, this is hopeless! How will I find a Mary Sue in this freak show? _

"Do you plan to keep us here longer?" Sesshoumaru asked. "It's quite obvious that you don't know who of us this 'Mary Sue' is. Will you _try _to kill us all?"

Annie smiled. "Nah. I've got a better idea. Raise your hand if you're the prettiest here!"

The slight, involuntary motion caught in the corner of Annie's eye was all she needed. She pivoted and placed a bullet right between Kyareena's eyes. The green haired woman stiffened, and fell off Sesshoumaru's arm.

Annie tucked the gun back into her kimono. "Sorry about that, Sesshouwhatzit. But trust me, you're better off without her. Go find yourself a nice, wholesome demon girl instead. Or boy, if that boa means what I think it means."

The demon stared into the sky. "For a moment I thought I remembered talking to her about my emotions, kneeling in front of her, crying in front her. What manner of nightmare did she put in my head?"

Annie sighed. "How dreadful. Really, you're all just a bunch of romantics, aren't you?" She pushed the red button once more, and everyone vanished. 

"Alright, a new leap, then, and I better not land in another dumpster…"


End file.
